I first came into A.A. over two decades ago under the lash of alcohol and umanageability, and was told early on the importance of finding a Higher Power. This is the story of how I eventually found one.

In the first flush of early sobriety, in which everything seemed new and exciting, so did the idea of religious belief. Though I was not actually pressured, I am sure now that I was enagaging in "sponsor pleasing" - saying what he wanted to hear, and what the Program said I needed to believe. I had been raised in a nominal Christian home, and had briefly been involved in such groups as a teen, so it seemed natural to think in those terms when it came to a Higher Power. In reality, I was practicing 'Fake it until you make it.' Now, I wonder if truth can come from a false premise, however well intentioned. I wanted what everyone else had, and went through the motions of doing what they did, fooling myself all the while.

I soon found my life was becoming manageable once again and I didn't want to drink any more. I became satisfied and complacent - dangerous states of mind for a not-fully-sober person. I was out of danger, or so it seemed. I was no longer running away from alcohol and the havoc it caused in my life. On the other hand, I now know, I didn't have any positive goal to keep me interested and involved in the spiritual way of life our Program offers. A.A. no longer seemed necessary or desirable.

After losing contact with that sponsor, and going to meetings sporadically, I began to silently question some of what I heard from others, just as I was questioning the newfound faith I thought I had acquired. Not being quite as new and enthusiastic as before, my spiritual interest was running low. I began to be put off by too much talk of spirituality too much of the time. Some spoke as if they heard directly from God, or felt His presence very strongly much of the time. In the Twelve & Twelve, Bill talks about a "particularly disconcerting individual" who asks for and thinks he recieves direction from God on every minor aspect of life. Perhaps I was jealous that they had something I didn't, but some people struck me that way at the time. (To this day, the more certain and specific people are about such things, the less I tend to listen.) The point is, instead of being encouraged by their example, I became a bit jaded. Identifying out on spiritual matters, particularly the God issue, was the first stage of my relapse.

I gradually reduced my meetings, then stopped altogether. This was the second stage. No longer having any A.A. contact, I actually did relapse after about a year of physical sobriety. There had been no major resentment or fear, I had simply failed to smash the lurking notion that I could someday drink like other men. I acted on that insane idea, thinking it would be "OK this time." Daily drinking at former levels resumed in short order and continued for over 13 years.

Something special happened to me about five years back in the drinking life, while visiting my parents at their new home near the ocean. I left their house one day and went to a beachside bar, got a beer then stood near the dunes looking at the waves. A serene feeling fell over me as I watched the waves advancing and receding, then percieved these small events as part of the larger movement of the tide ebbing and flowing. The sun caught my attention over my shoulder as it began to set. The Earth rotating to cause the sunset takes place as it revolves around the Sun, as the other planets do, and our galaxy itself is revolving, rotating and expanding within the Universe. I had a sense of there being an order and perhaps even a design in all these patterns and movements. Like Bill with his experience in Winchester Cathedral, I wouldn't understand the real significance of this moment for some years to come.

During all the time spent on further 'research', I never thought about that year without drinking, or that I might try to quit again, in A.A. or in any other way. When I went out, I was ALL THE WAY OUT! After cruising along with few consequences for about twelve years, I suddenly scored two DWIs in other states exactly two weeks apart. In fact, I got my second one on the long drive to see a lawyer where I racked up the first charge! I know I'm a real alcoholic from this story alone, for you've REALLY got to have alcoholic insanity to do something like that. Any heavy drinker and even most real alcoholics would stop drinking in the car at least for a little while after getting arrested once. Well, I did stop drinking in the car after the second one - for a couple of weeks at any rate. Again, I never thought once after these charges that I could, should or would quit drinking again. Instead of agonizing over needing to quit drinking and not wanting to or being able to, I kept on trying to manage my drinking. I basically got off on both charges, and far from learning a lesson, I actually thought I was clever to escape those predicaments unscathed.

But soon this complacency faded and I began to worry about the course my life was taking. Never a stranger to minor bouts of depression, I began to feel it more often and more strongly. I had a few minor health issues by now, and my pessimistic state of mind magnified them. I had the idea that I'd die before my time from some alcohol-related health problem. Yes, I would probably die about 20 years early, yet still had not even the slightest inclination to try giving up drinking again. This was fate I was meant to suffer, nothing to be done about it. In a way, I knew already that I was powerless over alcohol. Alcoholic insanity, in addition to causing me to drink absurd amounts and in the wrong situations, prevented me from remembering being in A.A. and having a year of sobriety. It wouldn't let me consider trying A.A. again or some other treatment. Having no hope, I really had a Step Two problem: I had the alcoholic disease but couldn't see a way out.

I mention the incidents in the last two paragraphs merely to show how much of a grip alcohol had on my mind, and how much of a true revelation it was for me to quit drinking. After speaking with a lawyer for my third DWI (half a mile from home and on the way to the liquor store!), I was prepared to follow the rules and not drink during the probation would surely be coming soon. But of course, I would start back up again after that was over. In my alcoholic mind, it would be easy to abstain for that long, and I would be able to show better judgement during that time than I did right after my first arrest.

But something happened only a day or two afterward. A thought came to me out of nowhere, not produced by my normal thought processes but from some hidden part of me: "It's time." Time to give up drinking entirely and forever. Not just to get out of legal trouble or to keep the courts happy, but because it was now meant to be. It was not a message from a Higher Power or any outside source, rather the thought was in my own voice and came from somewhere deep within myself. I tried to fight this inspiration for half a day, but gave in to it and soon felt a new sense of elation and hope. None of us in AA can claim full credit for our continued sobriety, but I can't even claim credit for deciding to quit in the first place - although the decision happened within me, it was not made by me.

My very first meeting was on the Eleventh Step of all things, and I survived all that spiritual talk. However, I knew that the next meeting would be on Step Twelve, and I thought everyone would try to spread the message and try to 'save me' from alcoholism! But the good people of that group let me get my bearings and develop at my own pace. It would take a little while for that to happen.

My real emotional bottom, my greatest desperation, came a few months into sobriety. It was my great fortune to have no money, legal, social, romantic or family issues facing me as I began recovery. When the emotional crash hit me, there was simply no way to avoid the 'spiritual angle', for all my material needs were being met, but my emotions became increasingly unmanageable despite my physical sobriety. I had no delusion that I could wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if only I managed well, for I was already managing quite nicely in all outward aspects. It was at this point that I considered suicide for the first and only time. Thanks to this emotional crisis I came to believe that I needed to get a sponsor and take the Program seriously. Believe me, it took a pretty fair amount of humility to admit that another person knew more than I did.

I met two men talking outside that first meeting. One gave me my first service position when I was ready, and the other man soon became my sponsor. I was attracted to him because he went to all three of the meetings I did, and his story of finding a Higher Power showed it was possible for me to do so. He was practically an atheist before A.A., to hear him talk about it, yet he found it possible to pray and meditate meaningfully. I identify fairly strongly, then and now, with Bill's attitude toward the "God" idea before he met with Ebby. I have have never been an atheist, and find a strictly material explanantion of the Universe unsatisfactory, though I have no belief in a personal God. (I still don't.) Knowing that I had to do what my sponsor and others did to get what they had, I was willing to listen.

Despite the phrase 'God as we understood him' in two of the Steps, and several passages in We Agnostics telling us to consider our own conception, the language in both the Big Book and Twelve and Twelve is heavily biased toward a theistic conception of a Higher Power, a Supreme Being, God as envisioned in the Judeo-Christian tradition. Bill also writes dismissively in the Twelve and Twelve of the 'one-time agnostics who still cling to the A.A. group as their higher power', and predicts they will come to 'love God and call Him by name.' Let us not forget that nearly every meeting ends with the Lord's Prayer and Serenity Prayer, and both are obviously Christian. Given all this and A.A.'s origins in the evangelical Oxford Group, a skeptic may be forgiven for suspecting that 'God as we understood him' mainly serves to show tolerance of different Christian denominations, rather than those with no particular faith at all.

Sensing this apparent bias, I also had my own past experience with trying and failing to find a Higher Power. Faking it did not lead to making it my first time around: this time I had to do it "right", and really mean it. My sponsor was aware of my skepticism, and no doubt sympathized. What he had done in early recovery, on the advice of an oldtimer, was to talk to an imaginary friend every morning and evening rather than pray to a Higher Power he didn't yet believe in. He was able in this way to follow the Big Book's Eleventh Step suggestions to begin and end his day, without violating his principles, and grow from there.

Being still in the shadow of the icy intellectual mountain, this seemed to me somewhat helpful, but not entirely logical. I was willing to believe, but not to pretend. I soon thought of a mantra I could silently recite and be both sincere and logical. "There is a power greater than myself" reminded me in various ways of the first three Steps. Using this mantra was enough to open the door.

I have read that people who are struck by lightning sometimes feel an electric charge before the bolt comes down. This is what happened to me before I was struck by spiritual lightning one night soon after this. There was an especially moving Step Two meeting at one of my regular groups. I was struck by two of the people sharing about 'just letting go' and relinquishing control. At the end of the meeting, a senior member talked about this Step coming to him spontaneously, and not doing anything in particular to make it happen. Looking back, as one with a desire to 'do something' and to understand everything before acting or believing, these words were important for me to hear. I found myself leaving there very agitated, but a positive agitation and excitement over what had been said. Walking around to burn off the nervous energy after getting home, I wondered what had gotten into me. At one point, about an mile and a half from home I turned around and headed back. for some reason, the thought occurred to me that some people talked about being in the Program for years without doing any Steps. How foolish, I thought, I would never do that. Of course I was going to go through with all the Steps.

I know within a few square feet the exact spot where I was when the conscious realization hit me that I fully intended to follow the Program to the end. This was my Third Step, Twelve and Twelve style, and like the Big Book says, a very great effect was felt at once. At that moment I almost did feel like being struck by lightning, so strong and sudden was the experience. Not exactly a white light, but suddenly a sort of white haze enveloped my field of vision and the world around me was partly there and partly not there. Objects there before were now barely perceptible, and seemed very far away and irrelevant. I heard nothing and had no bodily sensations whatever. Mentally and emotionally, I felt an extreme excitement and ecstasy of a kind and degree I've never felt before. It was very much like the experience described in the Big Book story Flooded With Feeling. Other moments of extreme excitement or ecstasy I've felt have always been a reaction to an event, but this one came about entirely from within, as pieces of some kind of spiritual puzzle fell into place. It was a strictly solitary experience, with no hint of any presence or Being of any kind.

My senses returned to normal, but a strong elation remained. On the way home it began to rain, but I was unconcerned and hid under some tree branches for cover until it passed. Upon returning I immediately sat on the edge of my bed and spoke silently with my mind and heart to a new imaginary friend, to the Universe, to nothing and no one. The restrictions of intellect and logic had been overcome, and the floodgates were now open. I probably babbled more than made sense, but I remember expressing gratitude for what had just happened, for sobriety and likely for being able to begin a primitive type of prayer without feeling foolish.

A few nights later, my home group read There Is A Solution, which has not one, but two footnotes referring to the appendix on spiritual Experience. Only then did I fully understand what had happened. It really was a new beginning for me. Just as that first quiet experience took away my desire to drink, the second and more profound experience began to take away that nameless, faceless fear that had gripped me before. I never thought I would drink again after coming back into A.A., but after my pink cloud was over, happiness seemed out of my reach. I knew now that everything was going to be alright.

With a calmer and more peaceful outlook, I was able to make progress on the Steps. Just as fear and resentment hold us back, I believe that the kind of spiritual excitement I had experienced is also not a sound basis for life and growth. It IS foolish to think we can be inspired at all times. Like Bill when he first saw the sober Ebby, I tend to be aghast at those who are 'on fire' with spiritual fervor. My sponsor and I agreed that "Evolution, not Revolution" was a better way to make progress. I began immediately working on my Fourth Step, though it took longer than it should - true to form, I was overthinking things. I completed the Steps with that sponsor several months after beginning to work together.

Several years passed as I continued my program. Then and now, I concentrate on the 'Maintenance Steps', Ten through Twelve, the way the Big Book appears to indicate. I have never felt that my thoughts and prayers were being heard by anyone, for I still do not believe in a Supreme Being. Nevertheless, it is a meaningful activity, for it has always seemed to focus my thoughts in the morning before going out to meet the world, and at night when trying to make sense of what has happened during the day and learn from both the good and the bad. Prayer for the agnostically inclined, talking to an imaginary friend, does help bring one's will in line with the way things are meant to be, and to promote Acceptance. I almost never pray during the day, but when out in the world conducting my affairs, I have always tried to practice Ten and Twelve through such principles as the spot-check inventory and pause, service and working with others. I did, however, get into the habit of walking almost daily, in silence for the most part, away from phones and other distractions - worldly clamors, mostly those within myself. It must have been from listening to others in meetings as well as A.A.'s recommended AM and PM quiet time that gave me the idea to try this in the middle of the day. It was at first a stress reliever, but I found that this simple form of quasi-meditation can also be a stress preventer.

One aspect of the Eleventh Step that people rarely talk about in meetings is outside spiritual reading, even though it is clearly encouraged in both of our major books. I can trace the precise path of reading that led me to my Higher Power, a set of principles to live by together with the Steps. Probably most people are inspired by talking with others who have faith; I do too, but also from books written by inspired people. Even if one never meets the authors, at least their works are better edited than most speaker's casual remarks! My new A.A. friend and spiritual advisor recommended Addiction and Grace by Gerald May, who was a Christian and psychiatrist. I am not terribly inspired by the Bible, and have never been to therapy, yet I was able to learn from his book ("Make use of what religious people have to offer."). Another book of May's, The Awakened Heart, led me to the work of an anonymous 14th century monk called The Cloud of Unknowing. This was even more esoteric and on the surface more Christian-oriented, yet the book gripped me. Obviously, by this time I had become more open-minded in spiritual matters than before. He wrote of transcending doctrine, even of the Mother Church, and seeking union with God. But he seemed to concieve more of an ultimate Reality which could be directly experienced than the common conception of a father figure. Now we're talking! Reading between the lines (the 'white parts'), I almost got the impression that for him Church rituals and rules were merely things to be endured while pursuing a personal and direct experience.

The mystical outlook of that ancient monk reminded me of a book already on my shelf, one I had partially read in college some thirty years before. Aside from skimming a few chapters two or three years into sobriety, I had largely forgotten about The Three Pillars of Zen. I now delved into it, inspired by the ancient Christian mystic, and read it cover to cover for the first time. I was reminded of the one idea about Buddhism I'd retained from my school days: that the idea of an individuals are really part of one large spirit, and separate identities are a delusion. Reading this idea again brought it to the forefront, and I realized that I had unconsciously begun comparing the notion of discarding the belief in a separate self with A.A's goal of getting rid of self-will. The two ideas are entirely compatible, though the Buddhist goal is perhaps more radical.

One section of Three Pillars of Zen deals with the Enlightenment experience, which is said to come suddenly, though years of training and study normally precede it. One classic personal description of how it felt at the moment of Enlightenment stood out, and reading it again made me realize I had actually half-consciously remembered this passage and had compared it to my own sudden personal experience. (I am far from Enlightened, but I did transcend self for those few seconds and can tesitify as to how it feels). In fact, the book has a collection of contemporary personal accounts of Enlightenment experiences not unlike the personal stories in the back of our own Big Book. One of them is actually by a woman in A.A. who studied Zen in recovery and realized her true self.

I soon came across Zen For Americans, a book of writings and talks by Soyen Shaku, one of the first Zen masters to vist America in the early 20th Century. The first sentence of this passage neatly summarizes my attitude toward the idea of a Supreme Being. In the others, he uses 'God' to refer to the true self or Buddha nature that is inherent in all of us and in the world, reflecting the A.A. notion of finding 'the Great Reality deep down within us':

	A God who, keeping aloof from his creations, sends down his words of 
	command through specially favored personages, is rejected by Bhuddists 
	as against the constitution of human reason.  God must be in us, who are 
	made in his likeness. We cannot presume the duality of God and the world. 
	Religion is not to go to God by forsaking the world, but to find him in it. 
		(Page 28-29) 

I wonder if we really choose some of the things that are fundamental in life, such as our spiritual beliefs. We make consumer choices and other daily decisions based on fashion, personal taste, and other subjective factors. We are perfectly free in these matters, as they are seldom very important. But when certain spiritual ideas really move us, it is because they appeal to an inner need and suit our fundamental nature in ways we can neither choose nor fully understand. When our minds and hearts are open and we are properly exposed to the right ideas, we are drawn to them regardless of the conscious will which directs so much of our everyday lives. In other words, though there may be no external compulsion, we are not as free to choose our spiritual beliefs as we are the clothes we wear, nor are they as easily changed. Perhaps I should only speak for myself, but I no more chose to follow Buddhism than I did to stop drinking several years before. After my sudden experience in early sobriety, followed by reading and reflecting, there was not much conscious choice involved, rather I followed where I was led. The Buddhist spiritual life is not a theory, and I found that I was already living it in part. It was up to me to pick up the rest of the tools in the spiritual kit offered by this ancient way of life.

	We now know the significance of life, we know that it is not blind 
	chance nor is it a mere display of brute forces, but that while we 
	know not definitely what the ultimate purport of life is, there is 
	something in it that makes us feel infinitely blessed in the living 
	of it and remain quite contented with it in all its evolution, with-
	out raising questions or entertaning pessimistic doubts. 
		(Page 39-40) 

I have been back a number of times to the spot where my experience occurred, sometimes alone and sometimes with A.A. friends to share an important part of my story. What they say about lightning never striking the same place twice is true in my case. There was nothing magic about that spot, it was just the spot where something magic happened to me. Thus far, it has not been repeated. However, I have had several other special moments in the years since then. None of those subsequent moments has been as intense, though they did last longer. On these occasions, always while alone, I have had a strong eerie feeling that there was more to my surroundings than our everyday senses reveal. There was a feeling that perhaps a curtain was about to be drawn back to reveal something hidden from view, but so far it has only been drawn back enough to give a little hint, slightly affect my perception and remind me of the mysterious Fourth Dimension I once felt. In times of solitude and serenity, the words of D.T. Suzuki above have deep meaning for me.

I have now been sober for more than a decade, and I am of the age at which I once thought I would die from alcohol. When I contemplate my own death now, I hope it is as far in the future as possible, and rather than morbidly welcome it, I wonder what I might leave behind me to benefit others. I get enough casual thoughts of drinking to let me know that I am not cured of alcoholism, just as occasional periods of doubt and disturbance remind me that neither am I cured of the spiritual malady. But I have recovered physically, mentally and spiritually through the Twelve Steps, and from contemplation and practice of the Four Noble Truths and the Noble Eightfold Path I have a logical idea of what life is all about.

Buddhist ideals chose me to follow them in the course of recovery from alcoholism, and now compliment and reinforce that recovery, for there are many similarities between the Steps and the Path. I do not have a God of my understanding, nor even a Higher Power so much as a Higher Principle by which to live in a sane, sober and relatively serene way:

	Therefore one desiring his own good,
	Aspiring for spiritual greatness,  
	Should deeply revere the true Dhamma,
	Recollecting the Buddhas' Teaching.  
	    (SN 6:2  Brahma Sahampati  
      	     speaking to the Buddha)  

Jim B.
(A pseudonym)

Despite striking similarities, there is nothing to indicate that A.A. was directly influenced by Buddhism. We of the AA Book Club do not wish to create any misunderstanding on this point. The Buddha and A.A.'s Founders faced personal crises of different sorts and resolved them through personal transformation, discovering complementary sets of spritual practices to in the process. It may be that the very nature of spiritual development requires certain elements for its consummation, and successful spiritual explorers all discover these necessary truths in their own fashion. In any event, the connection between Buddhism and A.A. is a matter of synchronicity, not cause and effect. We do know, however, that both of A.A.'s Founders were very fond of William James' Varieties of Religious Experience, citing it twice by name in the Big Book. As Buddhism features prominently in James, it is certain that they knew something about this ancient way of life. As we shall later see, at least one of the Founders had some detailed knowledge of the Buddhist Path and saw an affinity with A.A.'s Steps.

We also do not wish to force the square peg of the Twelve Steps into the round hole of the Four Noble Truths and Eightfold Path, or do a disservice to either path, as they have different goals and assumptions. For example, Buddhism does not envision treating disease of any kind, and AA avoids religious doctrine (while encouraging spiritual reading is encouraged for individual members). But there are similarities between them far beyond the like number of principles. We believe that a close comparison of these two sets of spiritual principles will be of great benefit to practitioners of either path, and so long as we are equally diligent in pointing out any contrasts we should avoid creating any misundersdtanding or confusion.

The Buddhist philosophy consisting of an ordered set of principles for spiritual/religious tranformation was the first of its kind, and appears to have been unique until the advent of Alcoholics Anonymous. The ancient tradition of the Four Noble Truths and Eightfold Path, like the Twelve Steps, is comprehensive in that it names a undesirable condition as well as a means to effect a personality change by which it can be overcome. No similar set of principles is elsewhere apparent in the history of spiritual movements.

The Oxford Group had its practice of the "5 C's" - Conviction, Confession, Contrition, Conversion, and Continuance, and Four Absolutes - Honesty, Unselfishness, Purity and Love. The former does contain the idea of personal transformation, but is not comprehensive in that it does not include the condition being covercome; the latter is not ordered and does not include a notion of change.

The Judeo-Christian tradition has the Ten Commandments. Though they are numbered, they are not ordered - the latter ones do not presuppose practice of the earlier ones - and the notion of personal transformation is entirely absent.

Both Buddhism and AA describe the issue they address in great detail in order to demonstrate its existence and its true nature before elaborating a spiritual program to escape it. The Buddha described, by means of explanations and similes, that suffering and disatisfaction are inherent in life due to the nature of the world. This is an existential condition common to all living beings, and permanent happiness cannot be achieved, despite one's efforts to do so. AA's Big Book describes the pathological condition of chronic alcoholism, affecting a limited class of people, with explanations and personal anecdotes. This condition likewise cannot be overcome by the unaided human will alone.

The effects are evident to those still suffering, yet it is not uncommon to see people deny the implacable nature of these two types of situations and continue to struggle to get out from under them. This denial is called delusion in both Buddhism and in A.A. This Big Book passage - "Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?" - applies not only the alcoholic trying to manage his life or his uncontrolled drinking, but to anyone trying to obtain lasting results in an impermanent and unstable world.

Neither contentment through the Buddhism nor recovery from alcoholism in AA can be achieved without a major change in personality. There are several terms for this transformation, and though they differ in both scope and scale, one term is common to both traditions: Awakening.

Though these terms are understood differently, the journey from delusion to awakening in each tradition includes several common principles. For example:

	* Realization of the need for a spiritual solution 


	* Committment to pursue that solution 


	* Asessments of one's personal faults 


	* Willingness and effort to be rid of these faults 


	* Continuous monitoring of one's mental and emotional state 


	* Practice and improvement in awareness of a Reality greater than the physical 

These and other principles are practiced in different ways, often in a different order and some are given more emphasis in one spiritual path than in the other.

The greatest difference between the Buddhist path and that of Alcoholics Anonymous is that the former has no conception whatever of a Creator God or Supreme Being. For this reason, there is no mention of prayer in the Pali Canon, Buddhism's oldest writtings. Progress in this path is a sort of spiritual momentum achieved from practicing principles which build upon one another and eventually result in Awakening. Though A.A. is officially neutral on the nature of God or a Higher Power, the Big Book generally speaks of a Judeo-Christian type of God, and emphasizes Western-style prayer much more than meditation. Progress after several of the Steps is described as being granted by God or resulting in a greater awareness of Him. However, some of the Promises after individual Steps describe secular or psychological improvement similar to that noted in Buddhist writings.

In the next section, we present a highly detailed analysis of the two journeys of transformation with the hope that this side-by-side comparison will inform practitioners of the Steps, the Path, or both. The description of a spiritual path containing nearly all the principles of A.A., but entirely stripped of theological language, may be especially informative or even encouraging to those in A.A. who are agnostic, atheist or who have no definite concept of a Higher Power. This analysis is followed by a chapter devoted to Buddhist expressions with direct relevance to some of the individual Steps and another with a larger selection of ancient and modern Buddhist thoughts that may be of interest to anyone desiring a spiritual way of life. We offer these features not to proselytize, but to inform and possibly inspire.