The chapter begins with a correction of a possible wrong impression from the Wives chapter that the recovering husband is to be coddled and protected. "Successful readjustment means the opposite. All members of the family should meet upon the common ground of tolerance, understanding and love." (Page 122) Once again, we are reminded of the Tenth Step principle that "Love and tolerance of others is our code." (Page 84) A short discussion follows outlining the source of the family's problem as the authors see them:

	The  alcoholic,  
	his wife, his children, his “in-laws,” each one is likely  
	to have fixed ideas about the family’s attitude towards  
	himself or herself. Each is interested in having his or  
	her wishes respected. We find the more one member  
	of the family demands that the others concede to him, 
	the more resentful they become. This makes for dis­
	cord and unhappiness.  


	And why? Is it not because each wants to play the  
	lead? Is not each trying to arrange the family show to  
	his liking? Is he not unconsciously trying to see what  
	he can take from the family  life rather than give?  

In the rest of the chapter the authors outline several obstacles from their own experience that the family may face as they attempt to follow the spiritual path. When the father gets over drinking, the family may feel that the he owes them and want their former life restored right away. "But the head of the house has spent years in pulling down the structures of business, romance, friendship, health—these things are now ruined or damaged. It will take time to clear away the wreck." (Page 123) It may take a long time to heal financially, and sometimes that may not happen. "But the wise family will admire him for what he is trying to be, rather than for what he is trying to get." (Page 123)

There will be many painful memories, and there will be the temptation to sweep things under the rug. But the authors believe this view is self-centered, and conflicts with the new way of living. "We grow by our willingness to face and rectify errors and convert them into assets. The alcoholic’s past thus becomes the principal asset of the family and frequently it is almost the only one!" (Page 124) In the only explicit discussion of carrying the message to others, the authors write that the family's experience and past suffering may be very valuable to another family still struggling. "We think each family which has been relieved owes something to those who have not, and when the occasion requires, each member of it should be only too willing to bring former mistakes, no matter how grievous, out of their hiding places." (Page 124) We must take care, however, not to bring up past misdeeds in a hurtful or angry spirit, as this may revive old resentments. In Alcoholics Anonymous, families know about each other's past troubles, but there is seldom any gossip, as the talk is in a spirit of love and tolerance. ("Love and tolerance of others is our code." - Step Ten, Page 84) Alcoholics are sensitive people; family members need to exercise caution when discussing the past.

The next section of the chapter warns the family of possible traits of the recovering alcoholic that should be expected and tolerated at first. The alcoholic himself is also reading this, and might take these as suggestions of attitudes to be avoided. Alcoholics tend to be enthusiasts, and may run to one of two extremes: "He may either plunge into a frantic attempt to get on his feet in business, or he may be so enthralled by his new life that he talks or thinks of little else. In either case certain family problems will arise. With these we have had experience galore." (Page 125-126) It may be dangerous if the father obsesses about the economic problem. The family may feel neglected, and the father may become tired and irratable, creating a barrier between them. Resentment and misunderstanding could result. Both the father and the rest of the family should be understanding. "The family must realize that dad, though marvelously improved, is still convalescing. They should be thankful he is sober and able to be of this world once more... The head of the house ought to remember that he is mainly to blame for what befell his home. He can scarcely square the account in his lifetime. But he must see the danger of over-concentration on financial success." (Page 127) One sees elements of some of the Steps in this passage on family cooperation: "As each member of a resentful family begins to see his shortcomings and admits them to the others, he lays a basis for helpful discussion. These family talks will be constructive if they can be carried on without heated argument, self-pity, self-justification or resentful criticism." (Page 127)

On the other hand, the father may have a stirring spiritual experience and become a religious enthusiast, talking of little else and becoming preachy. We have previously seen potential danger in untimely or ill-advised discussions of spirituality in Step Nine (Page 76-77), and as the family is owed amends, that consideration is relevant here. The family may become jealous of the attention the father gives to God, and dislike that He did for the man's alcohol problem what they couldn't. The latter is an idea we also saw in the Wives chapter (Page 118), and in both cases those who feel this way are advised to remember that he was beyond human aid in his alcoholism. If the family is understanding and cooperative, "[h]e will perceive that his spiritual growth is lopsided, that for an average man like himself, a spiritual life which does not include his family obligations may not be so perfect after all." (Page 129) If the family is critical, the father may feel justified in retreating into himself and further indulging in his spiritual intoxication. Even if some of his new habits are disagreeable, the man concentrating on spirituality is thought to be on firmer ground than the one focused on professional success. As in the Wive's chapter (Page 117), the family ought to examine the spiritual principles the alcoholic is trying to live by, and if they can go along it will help with his recovery.

Other problems may confront the family. For example, the wife may have become used to running most of the affairs, and both husband and wife will have to adjust to the new situation as the husband begins to resume his former role. As he takes up some of his old activities and hobbies, the family may feel they have a claim on his attention. Cooperation is again suggested and the answer when these and other issues come up: "At the very beginning, the couple ought to frankly face the fact that each will have to yield here and there if the family is going to play an effective part in the new life." (Page 131) The father will be spending time with other alcoholics, and he will also find it useful to think of non-alcoholics and of the community at large. The alcoholic and the family may want to make contact with religious bodies, even if they have no such connections. Having had a spiritual experience, the alcoholic will have things in common with these people and can find new avenues of usefulness and pleasure if he doesn't argue about religion.

There have been many serious issues discussed in this chapter, "[b]ut we aren’t a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn’t want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life. We try not to indulge in cynicism over the state of the nations, nor do we carry the world’s troubles on our shoulders." (Page 132) Recovered alcoholics try to give first aid to the man sinking into the mire of alcoholism, but they cannot bear the entire burden of others. Cheerfulness and laughter make us useful to others. It may be shocking to outsiders, "[b]ut why shouldn’t we laugh? We have recovered, and have been given the power to help others." (Page 132) God wants us to be happy, joyous and free, so we should avoid the deliberate manufacture of misery.

Health is considered next. A body damaged by alcohol does not heal overnight, and twisted thinking and depression take time to dissipate. A spiritual mode of living is a powerful aid to health. "We, who have recovered from serious drinking, are miracles of mental health. But we have seen remarkable transformations in our bodies. Hardly one of our crowd now shows any mark of dissipation." (Page 133) Human health resources are also necessary. "God has abundantly supplied this world with fine doctors, psychologists, and practitioners of various kinds. Do not hesitate to take your health problems to such persons... Try to remember that though God has wrought miracles among us, we should never belittle a good doctor or psychiatrist." (Page 133) There is no indication here that the recovering alcoholic should avoid any treatment or medication recommended by professionals - not even morphine-based painkillers. It is not unusual for there to be short term sex problems for men newly recovered. This seldom lasts long and a doctor should be consulted if it persists.

Re-establishing relations with the children may take time for the alcoholic. Being young and impressionable while he drank, they may come to hate him for his past deeds. "The children are sometimes dominated by a pathetic hardness and cynicism. They cannot seem to forgive and forget. This may hang on for months, long after their mother has accepted dad’s new way of living and thinking." (Page 134) As with anyone deserving of amends, they will be convinced by his actions that he is a new man. They can then be invited to participate in morning meditation and a daily discussion. Progress will be rapid after this point. "Whether the family goes on a spiritual basis or not, the alcoholic member has to if he would recover. The others must be convinced of his new status beyond the shadow of a doubt. Seeing is believing to most families who have lived with a drinker." (Page 135) The recovering alcoholic may better understand the challenge ahead of him if he recalls these statements from Step Nine: "[T]en or twenty years of drunkenness would make a skeptic out of anyone." (Page 83) and those who have been hurt are "more interested in a demonstration of good will than in our talk of spiritual discoveries." (Page 77) Once again, though this passage contains instructions for the alcoholic in dealing with his skeptical children, the latter may see themselves here and want to use spiritual principles to overcome these feelings.

The authors share a story of one of their friends. He was a heavy smoker and coffee drinker whose wife disapproved of these habits. Trying to help, she nagged him about it, but only brought about a fit of anger in her husband, leading to his getting drunk. He was wrong, and she saw that she was too, for making too much of such an issue when his more serious problems were being solved. The authors conclude this story, and the chapter, with the lesson learned from this episode. They suggest a few ideas commonly found on the walls at A.A. meetings everywhere:

We have three little mottoes which are apropos. Here they are:

First Things First
Live and Let Live
Easy Does It. (Page 135)